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Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Does she flirt?

I've had a harrowing day. Well, it started out well enough. I received word of my scholarship yesterday, I have been approved for inclusion into a management course. It's a 2 year programme. When I told her the news yesterday, she replied, "So this means that you will be busy again?" And then a few minutes later: "Congratulations anyway..."

This morning I went to office to pick up the original copies of the certificates; they need to see the original copies before they approve my registration. She wanted to follow me. Along the way she asked me, "Have you ever heard of I-City?" "Yes," I said, "I have." "Why haven't you brought me there before?" "Oh... There are so many places in this world, if we wanted to go to every one of them... it'll be tough." (In fact, she prefers to go to shopping malls ... or perhaps it's her routine with me. Then she complains that I never bring her anywhere else other than shopping malls!!)

I took an instant photo of my ruddy face at a nearby photo shop, and we set off in my four wheeler to the university. Upon reaching the university I proceeded to register for the course. A few friends also came by that morning, to register for the course -- we were all last minute registrants. The bulk of the new students had already done their dirty work over the weekend, but we were given last minute text messages to let us know... our scholarship was approved, and we were inducted into the course.

She was dressed in her usual dress of white with black and red stripes, which had become rather gaudy. But then she told me over lunch that she had decided to follow me, to make me happy ... but she was afraid that I would disappear after next week. Perhaps she would stick to the one month plan. And then she pointed a finger at me: "I tell you first, I have my own friends! I will be going out with my friends!" I thought that it was perfectly normal to have friends, so... let it be.

We took a trip back to the workplace, where along the way I brought her to a nearby shopping mall to purchase mooncakes for her family and mine.

After that, the return to the workplace, where I got a few pieces of work done, and she fired up an invoice for an errant client. I was busy typing letters and asking for people to assist on tomorrow morning's case. I had promised to get back to the faculty by 3:30pm but by the time I set out from the workplace, it had already become 3:40pm.

I arrived back at the university at 4:35pm, and frantically searched for the person-in-charge to get my academic matters ironed out. In my mind I was grateful for having weathered the storm and making it thus far. I met one of the friends who had come in the morning, and he was pleased to see me again. We had our dinner downstairs of the university.

Class was interesting. Our professor is experienced in real life management skills, and he was a human resource manager before. He has his opinions and his principles in life, and never compromises on them. He made us laugh when he said that he was known as a "highly principled man, but one who may not become rich!"

After class at 9:15pm, I drove back to the workplace to finish off the work that had accumulated over the past week and did not get cleaned up during the day. I arrived at 10:00pm. I saw a few faxes and pulled out the envelopes to prepare letters for shooting out. I made a cup of hot chocolate in a nice mug, one of a sweet porcelain pair. As I did my work, I browsed the Internet occasionally, leaving messages on Facebook and deleting off old messages. I suddenly discovered that she had deleted a lady friend that I had known for years, a friend that I had made during my first year of working. And she had met this friend before, a plus-sized web and art designer who made beautiful advertisements work. I started to feel troubled.

Then I decided to look at some photos of me and her, the leading lady of my life. In Facebook, people can "tag" you into a certain picture. I found that pictures of me and her in her Facebook photos, standing close together or even sitting together, were totally missing! There were some pictures that our mutual friends had put up, people like her childhood friends and the German tourist traveller that we had befriended while on tour last year. Their pictures had been tagged with her name and she was pleased to have them there. But then I could never find one of me and her together, in a pose that said, "These people are together."

I then looked at my own photo stream and I found lots of pictures of me and her together, at weddings and social functions. Some of them are my own uploads as well. I attempted to "tag" her in my photos: I was informed by Facebook that I could not tag this person, because she had removed tags in the said pictures before this. What!! I was unhappy, but I wondered why.... Did she feel that she had to project a picture to the world that she is single, that she does not even have this guy Kevin in her life? Perhaps she has already told the whole world that I am a beggar and she wants to have nothing to do with me! This is why she removed all references to her in pictures that showed us as a couple, and this is why she prefers to put up pictures that show her at her best.

I went to her blog and saw that she had gone to I-City with a friend called "Ah Neh." They had many photos, and one of her in a mini skirt and a nice t-shirt, with a white bag that I'd never seen before! Then they had a picture together... I was stunned. After a while I lost my temper and threw my mug on the floor. My mug had been emptied, and the hot chocolate swimming in my tummy. The mug smashed into pieces. I picked up a broom and swept the pieces away. I collected them into a paper bag that I had formed out of the wrapping for A4 paper.

After a while, I collected my calm. I called her. "Do you love me?" I asked her. She sounded sleepy, but you can never tell. She said that she does love me, why the funny question? I told her that I'd read her blog, now I knew why she asked about I-City. She sat up, her voice now more alert. She told me that perhaps she shouldn't have put up the pictures, is that it? I said, no, thank you for putting up the pictures that you did. "I know you are bored with me," I said, "perhaps we can go to new places next time, maybe we just don't go back to the same places we have been, and then life will be exciting....?"

Then she said, he's just a friend. I said that it made me feel unhappy. She said that if she had done something with him, do I think that she would still put the picture on her profile? Hmmm... I didn't think so. She told me that she already told me, she would be going out with friends. Did I see her hugging him in the photos? No? Then she had done nothing wrong against me! I said, "I see..." "Yes, unless you don't want to meet any girls but I am certain that you can't do that, so I will keep meeting my friends! Don't try to compare with me!"

Perhaps she never considered the fact that I had not gone for a one-to-one with any girl to an exotic location... perhaps this was an invitation to let me do so! I wondered at it. I was unhappy. I checked my photos and tried to tag her to one of her alter-egos. She had set up two alter-egos and also uses my account to garner more points in the FB games. It's just like setting up dummy accounts so that you can use all of them to trade amongst each other.

I noticed, by this time, that she had changed her profile picture twice in the same night, in the time span of 1 hour. The new profile pictures also disclosed a lovely profile, which some might call sexy, and others inviting.

I was unhappy and could not concentrate on my work. I thought that I would, and so I told my father that I would spend the night in office ... to clear up the backlog. Perhaps it is time that I start to learn the zenhabits manner of dealing with life: Don't look at it as good, and don't look at it as bad. It's just something that happened. It has happened, can you forgive and move on? I know if I can forgive, then I can move on -- even if she is flirting with other guys behind my back, and even if she is telling the whole world that she isn't in a relationship with me.

I found that she had changed my privacy settings during the past 1-2 days. My relationship with her could not be seen by others because she had limited the scope of the posts and status updates to show to friends only. I changed everything again, to let the whole world see my posts and status updates. If she is only playing games, then she shouldn't be worried about this, but she insists on hiding away my relationship with her.

Even the picture with her friend looks like he is holding her waist!!! And I hadn't ever seen her handbag before, nor had I seen her wear that pink miniskirt for such a long time. I wondered if he really was one of those guys who did "normal" things with her.

I can't help thinking that she is trying to flirt with the guys that she is going out with, telling them that, "Hey, I can dress up sexy when I go out with you, and I can even spend hours with you in faraway, beautiful places -- but you know what, I think I've got a boyfriend hidden somewhere that I don't want you to know about. So if you visit my Facebook page then you're not going to see my boyfriend's status "in a relationship" with me, because I've very cleverly hidden it away from the rest of the world except him! Haha, now he thinks that he is secure while I am out there every other evening making the guys want me, yea Kevin what do you think of that! So in the meantime boys, if you ever want to get serious with me, I'm going to play it coy and say to you that I'm NOT READY JUST YET!"

Perhaps my fertile imagination isn't too bad a thing. Lucky I've kept away the "exciting" pictures that I took of her a long time back. It's stashed away somewhere, and it's kept away good. If I ever get mad enough with her, if she ever decides to do something so bad to me, that it hurts me so bad, I'm going to release all the "exciting" pictures to the world wide web. In the meantime, if she ever decides to cheat on me, I'll .... hmm, what will I do?

It's hard to hurt the one that you love. But it's harder yet when she is hurting me every single day with every single thing that she is doing. I just want her to follow me and be true to me. Perhaps one day I will grow wise enough to know that all of this won't matter in 10 to 20 years time. And perhaps one day I will be blessed enough to be able to forgive. Perhaps one day, I'll either be forevermore happy with her, or be brave enough to say to her, "I forgive you, and I let you go." All I know is that right now she is hurting me so badly and I just want her to be true to me.

Update: Thank you Chloe (my anonymous reader), for your comments. I resolve to remain calm and carry on... All of these won't matter in a year or two from now... If it happens, then it happens, otherwise it was never meant to be. (And I try as hard as I can to remember but I can't remember ever storing away any "exciting" photos. I think I shot them and she deleted them, after praising my "artistic" efforts. Unhappiness seems to breed a fertile imagination.)

Remain calm and carry on...


Chloe said...

No need for thanks among cyber friends...but you are most welcomed! :-)

Well, what I know about revenge is that it is sweet and so easy to inflict when one is hurt and betrayed. But its consequences may be even more damaging to you and your future relationship, should you and your gf patch things up and get married. So, pls try not to lower yourself in that regard because at the end of the day, no one really wins! Plus, there may be interesting photos of you that your gf may have.... So, I speak on the world's behalf to ask you both to spare us from the privilege of viewing your private collection! :-)

I find it rather odd that your gf doesn't read your blog...if she did, wouldn't she know how much hurt is flying around??!