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Friday, 17 September 2010

More Yum Cha

Received: SMS from her at 10:55pm, saying that she was having a nice yum cha with her friends. I suppose that this will become a common occurrence. Perhaps she is wreaking her revenge for restraining herself all this while. Or perhaps it is a testing of the barriers to see when I will start to complain. It's now nearly 1am, in fact 00:56 hours. She is still having a yum cha. I wonder which girl would spend time with her to yum cha? It should be a guy. Or worse: guys!

I came back to think a little bit. She said that if we proceed with our plans, then she can foresee that one day she will be staying in the condominium next door to our office, and she will have no freedom. On the other hand she cannot see me making preparations for wedding photography, wedding honeymoon, condo renovation, etc. So can she see us getting married or not? She said that my dad said, "Now that you're going to get married, you should focus more on work and maybe less on pakthor." Which, of course, she disagreed with. I seriously believe that it's actually a tangle of little problems, which have become one big rant. This is why we see conflicting statements, based on different premises. One: That we will get married eventually, and she will be controlled. Two: That I have no interest to get married to her, because of my inaction. (She forgets to tenderly recall the precious moments that we have spent together in holiday, most recently in Sabah. And she has forgotten to enumerate the joys she felt when playing the well-tempered clavier.)

Source: SMH
Ranting about a bunch of problems is not unjustified, but they are all separate issues which should be untangled and dealt with separately. These problems become unmanageable whenever we lump them together. I came across an interesting article looking at untangling problems from the Buddhism perspective by paying attention to our actions and their outcomes. (Ref:, 5th June 2010. Untangling the present: The role of appropriate attention, by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.) This mode of thinking is more appropriate, suggests the author, than to focus on states of being and feelings.

My pile of work is piling higher by the day. Tomorrow is the 17th of September, a Friday. It will surely be a rush! I just can't help thinking that if things work out, we should tie the knot as soon as possible...

So, in order not to pain myself and not to pain her, it's time for me to start working on my work. But I can't help but to wonder.... who is it that she is having tea with? This is a pattern that she has exhibited before, with her oft-quoted words, "In a relationship there is no equality! You always want equality! But there is no equality. I dislike that you always want to follow me. If I change my password you want to change your password. If I do not wear my ring then you do not wear your ring." In fact, until last year, she insisted on keeping my passport. And this year, she demanded that I tattoo her name on my body. I suggested that we should both tattoo our names at the same time: To which she objected. Clearly, she would like me to be tattooed with her name while she struts around without sporting my name. (I suffer from lipomas, by the way, and it is often thought by medical experts that tattooing on top of lipomas can cause melanoma -- skin cancer. But she insists.)

One of these days I have to excise these lipoma that are growing on my limbs. Otherwise, these may metastasize. (It's just a sneaky feeling that I have -- whether or not such things are possible, must be validated by a medical doctor.)

Today I have spoken to both my parents separately. I told them that we would need to hire somebody to take over my girlfriend's role in the office, eventually, and we would have to let her go try work for some other organization. Her interests and talents do not gel with paperwork, and so this job does not bring out the best in her. I explained it as best as possible without making her look bad. They took it kindly. My dad was hoping that she would stay. He asked me to give her a raise of about RM200 because she had been with me for some time -- perhaps she was planning to leave because I had never given her a raise? I considered it and agreed that I should give her a raise. Either RM200 raise for the salary, or RM200 given as a separate allowance. But if she is really planning to go work elsewhere, the best thing that could happen to her is to show the prospective employers a stunning Curriculum Vitae which concludes with a large figure at "Last Drawn Pay". Prospective employers, apparently, make their offer based on the last drawn pay. She is attractive, physically. She'll have the attention of new co-workers, and get offered a higher salary by her new boss -- statistically proven facts. I just can't help wondering, however, if this is how it all ends.

I love her, despite all my grouses and griping about her. I was blessed that she had chosen me over so many other guys -- and perhaps she was blessed that I had given up my intentions on other girls at that point when we first started, five years ago. Five years hence, social networks are ossified, and past relationships have all but been forgotten. Now is the time when she wants to rekindle old friendships, to meet new friends of old friends, and in general just mix with the crowd. Now is the time she wants to relive her glory days in the club, shaking that booty, acting like a grand hostess. Now is the time of her freedom and her prominence. Now is the time of luxury, when she is not yet saddled with spouse and son. Now is the time of her choosing, when she is free to do as she will. Now is the time when she feels wanted again, the precious feeling that will give her self-worth. To be an object of desire! To be an objet d'art. Ah! What vitality and vigour. And her only feeling is that it is not wrong, because I have earned this upon myself, by working too hard until I have neglected her. Now is the time, when she feels right to neglect me.

And what can I do about it? Perhaps now is the time that I should just try to forget about what she is doing, and just do. Do. Whatever. I. Need. To. Do. She said that she never has personal time, but she is alone in the office, on the Restaurant City, or other places. No, it is not personal time that she wants but time with new people, to see new men, to experience the feeling of desire, and being desired. I can only hope that it remains only a feeling of desire, which never translates into action, because wanton desire with a philanderer can lead to the wrong places. And what then?

It is already 1:35am, now I suspect I must either call to show I care for her safety, or not call at all, to show that I respect and trust her.

Update: At 2:00am, she arrived home. She said that she had arrived home earlier, but realised that she left her contact lens solution in her friend's car. Where did they go? I can only wonder... I asked her if she had gone for a one to one. She said no, it was a mixed group. She asked if I had done a lot of work. Of course, I had not done anything. I am as nervous as a house on fire. She told me that she felt guilty, and that I was placing pressure on her. She said, "I hope that we can make this relationship work. I still have some respect for you. I still appreciate you." (Is this emotional manipulation? I think it is. She makes it known that there were men in the group, but denies that she was exclusively seeing any single one. She makes it known that she had just returned, but clarifies that she had returned earlier, and had simply failed to call me.) I wonder what her parents think ... or whether they know. Perhaps they do not know that she is with other people. Or perhaps my non-appearance at her sister's wedding has driven them to encourage their daughter to look for a more responsible prospective son-in-law. (If that happens, I'll curse that son-in-law and all his children so that they will die horribly in accidents and they fail throughout life.)

She told me that it is easy for her to lie to me. She can just tell me that she is going to sleep early. (In fact, that's what happened before, I think. It's just that, she is now bold enough to tell me, "I love you and I am going out with OTHER GUYS." And it is happening almost EVERY DAY now.) Sigh. So now I have to accept her terms and conditions if I want to make this work. Fine. One of these days I will go for a drinking session yum cha session of my own. Problem is that I haven't seen my old friends for ages. Sigh. So I'm probably just hyperventilating and not going to take any reciprocative action. Or I can just sit at the bar on my own and down a beer or two. ("Glug glug glug.... burp. Ya! take that.")


Chloe said...

Just happened to come across your blog and could not resist sharing my 2 cents:

1. Dude...pls go find another girlfriend! Neither she nor you are happy...and clearly NOT on the same page on anything!

2. Marriage is just the beginning of a wonderful or unhappy journey (your choice!)...You cannot choose who your parents, siblings are but you can have a choice who you marry and who are your friends. So, choose one that supports and love you no matter what...

3. Money and generosity can never be equated with love or affection...and beauty fades over time...

4. It takes two to tango....otherwise, it's like watching a lapdance...and you are the one dancing! Neither one benefits...

No offence...just sincere opinions from a random reader...